#ThingsIShouldHaveSaid to the friend I fell out with…

I can’t pin point when it all started and why you stopped wanting to be friends. I remember I brushed off your hostility by acting like Kanye West at the VMA Awards (you’re Taylor Swift by the way!). I acted like I didn’t care. Water off a duck’s back but I was secretly drowning. 

It was hard to believe that we were no longer friends. I missed talking to you and analysing the world together; yet all of sudden we were on different planets to each other. The lack of closure and not knowing what I said or did, tortured me. Thoughts paced my mind and I punished myself with questions of doubt, until I finally resented you. 

We became public enemies, playing the blame game for all of our friends to see. A competition to prove who was right and who was wrong. Who caused the pain and who should repay. You did this and I did that. It was a game that neither of us could win, yet we continued to play. I guess in hindsight, that makes both of us wrong. Eventually we walked away from the vicious circle we had created. We were now nothing more than just strangers. 

It was only the other day that I thought of you. I realised it has been more than two years since we last spoke to eachother. And I’m not sure why but I actually started to daydream about bumping into you. I daydreamed about me saying all the things that I should have said to you. 

Which is one of the reasons why I’m writing this open letter. So if you’re reading this now, I want you to know that I’m sorry if I upset you and I’m sorry that I let you down. And even though we’re not as close anymore, you’re still a big part of me and all of my memories. It may seem strange to you but I refuse to erase the past just because of our current situation. When I started writing this open letter yesterday I started giggling to myself because I remembered that ridiculous sober night we spent at my flat. The night we decided to breathe a batch of helium balloons. Yes that night. Immature we were, but fun we had. We couldn’t stop laughing at our ridiculously high-pitched voices. Impersonating each other and people that we knew. We cried until our stomachs hurt and then somehow, after a few hours of breathing in helium, we managed to convince ourselves that we were hallucinating. We stayed awake until the early hours of the morning because we thought we would die due to lack of oxygen. Only you and I could do something as ridiculous as that. 

And it’s silly things like that which still make me still giggle. Silly things like that, I’d love to do with you again.

I often question myself with ‘what if’s’ and what I could have done to keep our friendship together. Now I know it’s not worth trying to find those answers, it’s just a matter of accepting the things that I should have said, and maybe some of the things that I shouldn’t. 

I wish now that I had told you how I felt, instead of pretending that we didn’t have an affect on each other. When the reality is we were still emotionally attached to one another.

No matter what has happened or what’s to come, you’re still my friend and I’ll always be there for you. 

The truth is I do miss you and I hope one day I can say all of this to you. For now I hope you know there’s no grudge and only love.X

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