Home Sick Home: What it feels like to be homesick in your family home.

 It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know? I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. – “Garden State”.

There will come a time in your adulthood when you will make that cherished journey back to the place where you once grew up. You’ll be excited to be back and surround yourself with  your home comforts and the people that you love. You will drive through the roads that you know like the back of your hand. You’ll see houses that haven’t changed since the day you left and you’ll see the same faces drinking in your local pub. It’s like nothing has changed.

You leave the life you’ve been creating for yourself whilst you’ve been away from “home”. A life that seems so small compared to the one your parents made for you. 

You couldn’t be happier to visit the place that you feel the most comfortable in. To sit amongst the familiar smells and noises that you know so well. A rush of nostalgia creeps over you and you feel so happy to be returning to where you should really belong. But then reality hits you.

The home you shared with your parents, is now a home that you only see one of them living in. You see your other parent making another life and home for themselves in a house you can’t feel comfortable in. It’s here you realise that you no longer have a family home.

Memories echo around you as you lie in your old bedroom and all of them seem fake. You try hard to embrace new memories in your newly changed “home” but find yourself picking apart what once was and what is now. 

You lie awake in the house you’ve lived in for most of your life. The house that your parents brought you up in, since you were two days old. You listen to the sounds of the house that once sheltered you before you were exposed to the harsh realities of the world. Now you don’t feel so sheltered. Now you feel like you’re lying in a hotel. Your family home is just bricks and mortar. 

If only walls could talk!

A sad feeling floods your system and you realise that you feel like a stranger inside of a place you used to know so well. It feels like you’ve stepped inside the memories of another life. 

Your family house, in your old town, is no longer home.

A place that should be somewhere you can always call on is now a place you don’t want to visit. It’s overwhelming and it’s strange. It hurts to feel this way, to find yourself feeling so disconnected in a place that is supposed to be the epitome of your comfort zone.

You envy other families who can continue their memories and build new ones together. Everyone’s home has a story to tell, yet you don’t see a future. Just a closed chapter. An ending.

You feel like an outsider because you are an outsider. 

You realise that maybe the idea of home is just and always will be memories. You know deep down you have to accept change and embrace the other family who now utilise your home which was once yours and the family you have only ever known.

Maybe the harsh reality for some of us is to accept that the place you’re meant to call home is still out there, waiting for you to create it. 

Maybe home isn’t a place. Maybe it’s memories that we create along the way.  Maybe home is where you feel the most content, no matter where you are. Perhaps home is really where the heart is. 

 

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